Yesterday I decided to publish my blog to my Facebook account. I actually thought long and hard about making this a public blog (well, public to people that know me, that is). I’ve been sort of ashamed of having T2 Diabetes, because to me, it rather graphically depicts my failure to take care of myself. I thought maybe I could just lose a few pounds and make it go away before anyone finds out, but I understand now that it doesn’t work like that. I can’t just put a band-aid on this and squeak by until the next horrible disease manifests. I also realized that everything I am going through right now can only be made better with the support of my amazing friends. I’m not sure why it took me 2 weeks to figure that out, but hey, at least I figured it out.
I suppose the one thing that becomes more difficult now is the publishing of my current photos, which I have yet to take. When I think about that moment coming to pass, my mind is flooded with anxiety, embarrassment, and a lot of questions. Do I really want people I haven’t seen since junior high to see what a mess I’ve become? Why do I care so much? How can I go about caring less? Why am I making this into such a big deal? Stuff like that. I suppose I should take comfort in knowing that everyone I know, knows I’ve always been fat, therefore seeing me as a fat adult shouldn’t exactly be a huge shocker. That does comfort me, if only momentarily.
One thing is certain — this is going to be harder than I thought.
Thinking about my amazing friend Julie makes things a bit easier. Julie is actually the person who inspired me to create this blog. She kept track of her 312lb weight loss experience in her own blog, and shared lots of thoughts and feelings about her journey along the way. She was also great about sharing updated photos from beginning to end, and I respect her so much for doing that. She has shown me that what I must do for myself right now really is possible, and that the outcome really can be stunning, awe-inspiring, and life-changing. I really want that experience. I want a real life. This is what I need to remember when I start letting my shame take over.
So thank you Julie. You are changing more lives for the better than just your own. xoxo