Frustration…

I’m having a bit of a frustrating day, and I really just need to write right now. I know I said I’d only post if it was important stuff, but my sanity is also sort of important, so, here we are.

I bought a scale to go along with my bike, and I am addicted to stepping on it. I haven’t had a scale in my house since I was a little kid. I am realizing that weighing myself every day is a terrible habit to get into, and I am trying hard to resist the urge lately. I feel like I am not losing weight quickly enough. I want it to just keep plummeting, like it used to do when I was dieting in my 20s. I lost 30lbs in a month once, and all I did was stop eating bread and didn’t eat after 7pm. No exercise, no special foods. I fear that due to my age, those days are long over, and it is a difficult realization to accept.

The rational part of my brain knows that slow and steady is the way I should lose the weight. I tell myself that I should be happy as long as the numbers are dropping, no matter what the increments might be. It is healthier and it will be less stressful on my body. The emotional part of my brain is disappointed when I see the same numbers on the scale every day. I have anxiety about a week going by with no change in my weight. I fear that scenario. This week may be that week. I am keeping a weekly weight loss log, going from Sunday to Sunday, and right now, on Thursday, I am exactly the same weight as I was last Sunday. Me no likey.

As a result, as of today, I am beginning to exercise twice a day. 25 minutes in the morning, and 25 minutes in the evening. I’m not sure if this is the answer to my problems, or if I’m just looking for too much too soon, but I need to do this in order to assuage my fears. I felt a lot better about things after tonight’s work out, so perhaps I will see the results I am striving for on Sunday.

It is actually really strange that I am even having thoughts about any of this. I feel like I’m on the threshold of obsessing. And if I am, I am not sure if that is a bad thing. This is so unlike me, really. I do NOT obsess about my weight. In fact, I used to opine endlessly about my disdain for diets, weight control, and the societal fixation on being “fit”. I was too cool for skinny. I felt pity for people who spent their days worrying about counting calories and avoiding temptation. I felt like I was above the need to conform to society’s expectations and guidelines. And I still do feel these things, but I’ve realized that my core motivation doesn’t depend on meeting those societal pressures. Living a full, healthy life is what motivates me. Getting out from underneath the stigma and ramifications of diabetes motivates me. The change in the way I feel already is what motivates me. I am just so scared that feeling will evaporate too soon.

Embarrassing secret:
Recently, sometimes I’ll just be sitting here, and I will be overcome by this intense feeling of restlessness. The craziest thoughts come to mind. Thoughts about wanting to travel, working full time — even going to Disneyland. Thoughts I haven’t had in a very long time. My depression and poor health have been hanging over me for so long that all of those things seemed either totally uninteresting or just physically undoable. But now, I feel like I am waking up inside, like I have finally found the light-switch and flicked it to ON. I feel a shift happening, and now I have to figure out how to start picking up the far-flung pieces of my life and get moving in that direction. I am instantly overwhelmed when I think about what all I will have to “fix” in order to become fully functioning again, but what I do know for sure is that my days of lethargic apathy are over. I want to live, and I want to live fully enough to make up for all the time I’ve spent sitting here trying to avoid my life.

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